Golden Arrows
by Beth Einspanier
Summary: A woman recovering from a painful breakup finds that the gods can work in mysterious ways.


Golden Arrows  
  
screenplay by Beth Einspanier  
  
MOUNT OLYMPUS  
  
FADE UP  
  
to a haze of white, which soon clears [mostly], affording us a dreamlike, hazy view of HERMES, the messenger of the gods. He is one of the younger gods [Note: any reference to the 'ages' of the featured gods is, of course, apparent age, depending upon their respective roles and statuses on Mount Olympus], lean and wiry like a cheetah, and is clad in a short running toga, winged sandals, and a similarly-plumed hat with a wide brim. He holds a staff in his left hand. He is facing CAMERA with a smile, as though he has known us all our lives, and greets the viewer with a low bow.  
  
HERMES [to CAMERA, congenial]  
  
Greetings, my friends. You might or might not know me - aside from being the FTD guy - so allow me to introduce myself. I am Hermes, messenger to the gods. [smirks smugly] UPS has nothing on me. [Looks around at the audience] I see you're all wondering when the movie's gonna start, huh?  
  
He pulls out a pocket watch, which is TICKING LOUDLY. Its ALARM goes off.  
  
HERMES [continues]  
  
That's my cue.  
  
He pulls a scroll from the folds of his toga, unrolls it, and clears his throat dramatically. This guy is a ham.  
  
HERMES [over-dramatic]  
  
Can any pretend to understand  
  
The workings of amour?  
  
Some may seek it fervently  
  
While some think it a bore.  
  
But it still takes its sweet old time  
  
Getting where it goes  
  
Its chauffeur here is Cupid  
  
And his mighty golden bows.  
  
He releases the bottom part of the scroll; it rolls up with a SNAP and a FLAPPING noise like a fully recoiling window shade.  
  
HERMES [continues]  
  
In other words... [begins singing raucously while in the throes of what appears to be either an impromptu dance or a grand mal seizure] CU-pid, DRAW back your BOW-oh, and let, your arrow GO-oh, straight into, my -  
  
A golden hook like a celestial shepherd's crook slides into frame while he is singing and at this point yanks him bodily out of frame.  
  
HERMES [o.s., irritated]  
  
Oh, start the stupid story already!  
  
Fade to white.  
  
CREDITS.  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S APT. - DAY  
  
Fade from white to a view of Virginia's living room. In the foreground is a well-worn green sofa that has seen better days, and at the far side of the room is a TV cabinet occupied by a television, VCR, and modest stereo system.  
  
To the right of the entertainment center [such as it is] is a computer desk with a PC and laser printer, and to the left is a tall, art-deco floor lamp. All appliances are currently dormant.  
  
We hear someone UNLOCKING THE DOOR, and we look towards the door in time to see the apartment's occupant come in. She has shoulder-length brown hair and a slender build - the latter belying the wildcat temper that surfaces every now and then. This is VIRGINIA FALSTAFF. She is humming lightly as she hooks the door shut with her heel. THE DOOR LOCKS automatically.  
  
She crosses to the computer desk and sits in front of the computer, turning it on. THE COMPUTER BOOTS UP. She enters her user password, and the computer plays a wav file of a VERY LARGE EXPLOSION, of a type familiar with those who watch old war movies. This is a normal occurrence, it seems; she doesn't flinch. She opens a word processor and begins typing.  
  
We hear someone TRYING TO UNLOCK THE DOOR unsuccessfully, then a KNOCKING. Virginia continues to type for a few beats, until the KNOCKING comes again. She rolls back from the desk in her swivel chair and goes to the door, not opening it. She leans against the wall next to the door. Tentatively but deliberately, the person outside taps out "Shave and a hair cut." After a beat, she responds with "Two bits."  
  
JASON [muffled, from the other side of the door]  
  
Aw, baby, thank God you're home. My key don't work.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I know, Jason. I changed the lock.  
  
JASON  
  
Wha? What's going on?  
  
Virginia comes away from the wall and faces the door. Her whole being is carefully subdued - but even so the air around her crackles with impending doom.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I should ask you the same thing.  
  
JASON  
  
What the hell are you talking about?  
  
She exits the room, then returns with her answering machine, plugging it into the same outlet as her floor lamp.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who's Michelle? [pronounced mee-shell]  
  
JASON [fumbling]  
  
My, uh, physical therapist.  
  
VIRGINIA [simmering]  
  
Really. Then explain the message she left on my answering machine.  
  
JASON  
  
Huh? What message?  
  
She presses play on the answering machine. Michelle has a heavy, almost affected French accent.  
  
MICHELLE [v.o. filtered, on tape]  
  
Hi Jason, it's Michelle. I was wondering if we could meet tonight for dinner, at that Italian restaurant you mentioned. And then [coy giggle] you could have me for dessert like you've been promising for so long. Call me.  
  
She stops the tape. Another tense silence dangles like a hanged man between them.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I'm waiting.  
  
A beat, then:  
  
JASON  
  
Look, baby -  
  
VIRGINIA [abruptly boiling]  
  
DON'T CALL ME THAT! Ever again. [sighs] Not anymore.  
  
Jason is stunned.  
  
JASON  
  
Listen, I can explain everyth-  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Go right ahead. Explain everything till your tongue falls out. One less talent you can share with MEE-SHELL. [she overly exaggerates the French pronunciation of 'Michelle']  
  
JASON  
  
Ba— [catches himself] I mean, Virginia, You know you're the only girl for me... Michelle is just... I mean she and I... I would never...  
  
She looks impatient, rolling her eyes, sucking her teeth, etc.  
  
JASON [cont'd]  
  
You don't know how much you mean to me.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
You know something? You're right. I don't know how much I mean to you, because you haven't bothered to tell me lately!  
  
She is starting to crack.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Every evening for the past three weeks, I've sat here alone, while you're out somewhere being the studly guy you think you are. How many other women have received your sweet nothings? While I get just nothing?  
  
JASON  
  
Virginia—  
  
VIRGINIA [overriding him]  
  
Well, consider yourself free to give away all the sweet nothings you want - because as of now, you and I are THROUGH!  
  
A long beat.  
  
JASON [unbelievable gall]  
  
Can I at least get my stuff out of there?  
  
Virginia winds up... and the pitch...  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
NO!  
  
It's going... going...  
  
JASON  
  
If that's what you want.  
  
It's gone.  
  
JASON [cont'd; very sour grapes]  
  
Just don't come crawling back to me when you can't get any on a Saturday night.  
  
VIRGINIA [sotto]  
  
Whatever.  
  
We hear FOOTSTEPS walking away, then, distantly, the sound of a stairwell door closing. We HOLD on Virginia as reality comes crashing down on her, and she begins sobbing, falling back against the wall beside the door and sliding down to sit curled on the floor.  
  
Dissolve to:  
  
INT - SPORTS BAR - EVENING  
  
A young man sits at the bar, his drink, a root beer, left untouched. The man is in his early thirties, with sandy blond hair and wire-rimmed glasses. He is dressed in a jacket bearing the St. Louis Rams insignia on the back, a nondescript tee shirt, jeans, and generic sneakers. He seems to be in a state of recovering shock as he reads and rereads a printout of an email message.  
  
LINDA [v.o.]  
  
Dear Scott,... I was hoping to tell you this in person, but then I figured this would be quicker and more painless. Our interests just don't mesh anymore. You're still a Rams fan, and, well, I've moved on beyond football. It was nice going to your place to watch the game, but it just doesn't hold the same magic for me anymore. In short, Scott... [reverb] I just want to be friends [end reverb].  
  
The man [apparently SCOTT], winces at that last statement.  
  
  
  
LINDA [cont'd]  
  
I hope that maybe someday we'll see each other again, but right now I think it's best if we don't see each other. Best of luck, Linda.  
  
SCOTT [sotto]  
  
Of all the ways people have thought of to break up, e-mail has got to be the coldest.  
  
He folds up the printout and tucks it into his pocket. A BARTENDER approaches him.  
  
BARTENDER  
  
Let me guess...  
  
Scott looks up at him.  
  
BARTENDER [cont'd]  
  
She just wanted to be friends?  
  
Scott nods weakly.  
  
BARTENDER  
  
Ouch. In person?  
  
SCOTT  
  
E-mail.  
  
BARTENDER  
  
Now that's just cold.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Tell me about it.  
  
[sighs]  
  
Well, 'tis better to have loved and lost... Bullshit.  
  
BARTENDER  
  
Yeah, poets know tons about loving and jack about breaking up. Well, good luck. You didn't deserve her anyway.  
  
SCOTT  
  
You're not helping.  
  
[beat]  
  
Now I know why Sherlock Holmes was a misogynist.  
  
BARTENDER  
  
He was also a manic-depressive and a cocaine addict. You wanna live like that?  
  
Scott smirks, seeing the bartender's point.  
  
SCOTT [lightly]  
  
Get the hell outta here.  
  
The bartender smiles and drifts off to the next customer as Scott finally takes a sip of his root beer.  
  
INT. THE LONELY HEARTS SINGLES BAR - NIGHT, MORTAL TIME.  
  
TYPEOVER: TWO WEEKS LATER  
  
We are now in the dimly (some might say romantically) lit interior of LH. We hear MUTED CONVERSATION and VARIOUS BAR NOISES. We watch as a number of temporarily paired couples dance past, as the jukebox outlined in neon tubes too garish for romance lilts the oldie-but-goodie "CUPID DRAW BACK YOUR BOW". The pairs of dancers drift apart, and we can see from behind the loneliest heart in the whole place, sitting at the bar - Virginia herself.  
  
Her new companion is a half-drained gin and tonic on the rocks, which she swirls absently with the thin red straw that came with the drink. Gone is the woman scorned that broke off her relationship with Jason. Here sits a morose - almost catatonic - woman with her chin propped in her free hand.  
  
Behind her, on the far wall, is a classic Cupid-figure outlined in neon - one of several displayed around the bar. The camera angle is such that it appears to be aiming its yellow neon bow at her head. CAMERA pulls back...  
  
MOUNT OLYMPUS  
  
... to reveal that Virginia is being watched via a white marble reflecting pool.  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
Look here, son. Virginia Louise Falstaff, 33 years old. Never married. Never engaged. Fifteen boyfriends since high school.  
  
Virginia emerges from her reverie long enough to take a drink of her G&T.  
  
APHRODITE [v.o. continues]  
  
None of them steady.  
  
CUPID [v.o.]  
  
No wonder she hangs out in singles bars.  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
But she needs something that singles bars can't offer.  
  
[beat]  
  
That's where you come in.  
  
CUPID  
  
Me? You're the goddess of love.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Trust me, showing myself to her would not help her morale any.  
  
Still framed in the reflecting pool and unaware she is being monitored, Virginia finishes her drink, puts $4 and change on the bar, and shoulders her purse. A bartender from left just out of the pool's frame picks up the money while Virginia exits the frame to the right. Fade to black, then:  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT  
  
The apartment is pitch black until Virginia opens the door, letting in light from the hallway. She flips the wall switch, and the art-deco wall sconces on either side of the door light up. She walks in, unshouldering her purse and laying it in a chair in the corner.  
  
VIRGINIA [singing forlornly]  
  
Cupid, draw back your bow-oh, and let your arrow go-oh, straight into my lover's heart for me... [aside] Whoever the hell that might be.  
  
She crosses the living room, untying her scarf and draping it over her computer. She disappears through another door at the opposite end of the room.  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT  
  
[Note: When Virginia enters she is the only soul in the room.] An answering machine sits on the nightstand beside Virginia's bed [her bed is a double - wishful thinking?]. The message light is blinking as she enters.  
  
She advances to the machine and pushes play as she switches on the lamp beside the machine. THE MACHINE BEEPS.  
  
CLERK [v.o., on tape]  
  
This is Gina Wethers from Great Expectations calling to confirm your appointment with Eric Saltos at nine-thirty tomorrow morning. As always, feel free to call us if you can't make it. Thank you.  
  
THE MACHINE BEEPS.  
  
VIRGINIA [blandly]  
  
Well, thank you very much for your concern.  
  
CLICK as tape ends.  
  
Virginia kicks her shoes off beside the bed, then heads to her closet as she gets undressed for bed. She hangs up her bar-hopping outfit and pulls on a nightshirt resembling a long tee. The tee's front reads, "What Alarm Clock?" in large block letters. She leaves the bedroom long enough to extinguish the lights in the living room.  
  
When she returns, she sees Cupid, who has appeared sitting on the edge of her bed. Right now we only see him from behind, but if he is as nude from the front as he looks from the back, then Virginia's shock is quite justified.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who the hell are you?!  
  
OTS VIRGINIA.  
  
Cupid's legs are demurely crossed so that, from this angle, his private parts are not exposed, though it appears he is indeed totally naked. He is one of the younger-looking gods, exotically handsome, with a tanned complexion, square features and black hair falling to somewhere between his shoulder-blades, and his build is sleek and athletic - shooting love arrows is very physically demanding. He seems blissfully unaware of his nudity.  
  
CUPID [casual]  
  
I suppose some explanation is in order.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Damn right!  
  
CUPID  
  
Like why is a naked man sitting in your bedroom - a stranger, no less.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
And why I shouldn't call the police!  
  
Cupid ticks off the points on his fingers.  
  
CUPID  
  
First, the police would chalk it up to hysteria.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
What! How do you figure?  
  
CUPID  
  
That brings me to my second point. Right now, only you can see me.  
  
  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Oh my God. Either you're crazy, or I'm crazy, or... Okay. Assuming what you say is true, why are you here?  
  
Cupid holds up three fingers.  
  
CUPID  
  
Point three. I know you're having trouble finding a meaningful relationship. I'm here to help you.  
  
Virginia takes this the wrong way.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who the hell do you think you are?  
  
CUPID  
  
Fourth point. I think, therefore I am, Cupid.  
  
He spreads his hands and bows slightly as if to say "ta-da".  
  
Virginia has clearly had enough of this. She heads for the phone. Cupid makes no move to stop her.  
  
VIRGINIA, PROFILE.  
  
As she picks up the phone and dials 9-1-1. Cupid sits in the background.  
  
CUPID [holding up one thumb]  
  
Fifth point.  
  
She puts the receiver to her ear, listens, frowns, taps the cutoff button a number of times.  
  
CUPID and VIRGINIA [simultaneously]  
  
The phone's dead.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
I wanted to make sure we weren't interrupted.  
  
She turns to look at him in shock, also taking this statement entirely the wrong way, and clutching the receiver near her chest as if it might protect her from him. Then she scowls and slams down the phone. The PHONE DINGS. She bends, picks up one of the shoes she discarded earlier in the scene, and throws it at him.  
  
He raises his hands to block the shoe - but the point is moot, as we see when the shoe passes right through his chest with no effect other than a cluster of GOLD SPARKLES at the point of would-be impact. He lowers his hands, looks down at where the shoe passed through him, then back up to Virginia. He grins.  
  
CUPID  
  
See? I told you so.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
looks like she's getting a headache, or she's going to faint, or both. She manages not to do the latter as she leans against the nightstand with one hand and holds her forehead in the other.  
  
VIRGINIA [resigned]  
  
Okay. Supposing - just supposing, mind you - that I'm not crazy, and that you are who you say you are. Why me?  
  
CUPID  
  
merely shrugs.  
  
CUPID  
  
Why not you?  
  
VIRGINIA [sarcastic]  
  
Well, I'm sure I'm not the only unhappily single person in the city.  
  
CUPID  
  
No, but you are the only one I was assigned to.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Assigned? By whom?  
  
CUPID  
  
By my mother, Aphrodite. She directed me to intervene in your life just enough to help you find true love. [smiles warmly] So to put your fears at rest, I see myself as the means, not the end. But, alas, we can do nothing at two-thirty in the morning. I will return at a more reasonable hour to discuss this further.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Now wait a second—  
  
He vanishes amid a burst of GOLD SPARKLES. At first Virginia seems unsure where to go from there, but a glance at her clock-radio confirms that it is indeed half past two, and she is unlikely to digest all of this in one evening... morning... whatever.  
  
Finally, she shrugs, draws back the covers, and climbs into bed. She reaches over and turns off the lamp, plunging the room - and us - into blackness.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. SCOTT'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT  
  
The frame is mostly taken up by Scott's face; he is asleep, chin propped up in one hand. Reflected in the lenses of his glasses is the television, currently tuned to a sports channel running recaps of that day's games.  
  
ANNOUNCER [on T.V.]  
  
This was certainly a brutal game for you Packers fans out there... but when is it not? The final score was 27-3—  
  
CUPID [on T.V.]  
  
And the current score in the game of love is Linda 1, Scott nothing.  
  
Scott stirs slightly but doesn't wake.  
  
CUPID  
  
looks at him from the television screen, dressed in an Announcer Suit - navy blue with a red necktie - and his hair slicked straight back from his face and tied in a ponytail. The other announcers, one on either side of Cupid and somewhat behind him, are still talking, it seems, but they are making no sound.  
  
CUPID  
  
Yo, Scott. Scott! Scott-towels, Scotch tape, SCOTT!!  
  
SCOTT  
  
jolts awake and nearly falls out of the chair. He sees the new "announcer" on screen.  
  
SCOTT  
  
What the hell...?  
  
ON THE TELEVISION,  
  
Cupid is now alone. A title appears below him, reading "Cupid", then discreetly vanishes.  
  
CUPID  
  
We need to talk.  
  
SCOTT,  
  
puzzled, grabs the remote and aims it at the television. As he tries to change the channel, Cupid reaches out of the television screen and blocks the infrared receptor in the TV so he can't.  
  
SCOTT [bewildered]  
  
Okay... Scott, get a grip... This must be a dream.  
  
CUPID  
  
Nope. No dream, no hallucination, nobody slipped LSD into your root beer.  
  
Cupid removes his hand from the receptor, and Scott promptly changes the channel. The program changes to a black and white Godzilla clone. Japanese extras run in terror all around Cupid [who is still onscreen].  
  
CUPID  
  
One thing I've noticed about people nowadays—  
  
The channel changes to a cheesy disaster movie. A chunk of a high-rise building falls so that the window opening frames Cupid's feet.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
They tend not to believe—  
  
Next stop, Baywatch. Cupid is now in swim trunks with a pair of female lifeguards flanking him and fawning over him.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
What's staring them in the face!  
  
He reaches out of the screen again and grabs the remote. He and Scott wrestle for it for a few moments, before Cupid wins and slaps it on top of the television.  
  
CUPID  
  
That'll be enough channel surfing, young man. One, we have a few things to discuss, and two, I rather like this channel.  
  
SCOTT  
  
What's happening? How did you... Why are you... Who are you... What the hell...?  
  
CUPID  
  
I suppose I owe you that much. [to the Baywatch babes] Ladies, if you would excuse us?  
  
They leave the television frame.  
  
  
  
CUPID  
  
My name is Cupid, or Eros, depending on your mythological studies. I prefer Cupid, since that's the more familiar name. You are Scott Matthew Clayton, late of the online acquaintance of Linda Maria Avalon. She didn't even have the decency to tell you to your face. That was cold, man.  
  
SCOTT [stunned]  
  
How do you know all that?  
  
CUPID  
  
I'm a minor deity. I know enough about modern relationships to make the National Enquirer retch—but that's not the point here.  
  
SCOTT  
  
What is? The fact that the television is talking to me?  
  
CUPID  
  
No—the point is that she doesn't represent the majority of the female population. There are lots more women who would jump at the chance to date you.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Name three.  
  
CUPID  
  
Well, sad to say, none of them are on this set, but if you look hard enough you will definitely find one in this city.  
  
SCOTT  
  
I don't suppose you have her number.  
  
CUPID  
  
I don't work that way. Just rest assured that I'm having the Fates pull a few strings to help you two meet. Just be patient and keep your eyes open. In the meantime, I believe there's a damsel over there that needs distressing.  
  
He trots out of the TV frame to the right, and the television shuts off by itself. Scott absorbs this for a few moments.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Bad root beer.  
  
He gets up and exits the room, turning off the light and again plunging us into darkness.  
  
FADE UP TO:  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM - MORNING  
  
TYPEOVER: Falstaff Assignment: Day One  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
is still asleep, though the CLOCK-RADIO is playing softly and a peek over her shoulder indicates the time is now 9:58 am. She has missed her appointment with Mr. Saltos. She turns over, still half-asleep, and happens to register the time.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Shit!  
  
She flings back the covers and sits up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.  
  
VIRGINIA [laughing sardonically]  
  
Oh my God. I can't believe I slept through—  
  
CUPID [o.s.]  
  
Alcohol tends to do that to mortals.  
  
Virginia looks at Cupid, startled by his presence once again.  
  
CUPID  
  
is now clad in a loud floral shirt, glaring Bermuda shorts, and green flip- flops. His long hair is slicked straight back from his face and bound in a neat ponytail as before.  
  
CUPID [continues]  
  
Believe me, I've been to enough of Bacchus' parties...  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
stares at him, tries to keep herself from laughing, but ultimately fails.  
  
CUPID [genuinely puzzled]  
  
What?  
  
VIRGINIA [still laughing]  
  
I see you found Jason's clothes.  
  
CUPID  
  
tries to recall the significance of the name.  
  
CUPID  
  
Jason... Jason... Ah yes, Jason Andrew Baker - your most recent love interest. He had exotic tastes.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
He started seeing his masseuse, so I changed the locks.  
  
CUPID  
  
Leaving part of his wardrobe behind.  
  
He plucks at the shirt.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Not his favorite part. All his Coed Naked tees stayed in his own closet.  
  
CUPID  
  
[sotto] Exotic tastes indeed.  
  
[Beat]  
  
[to Virginia] I'm glad you've accepted my reality. This will greatly help my assignment.  
  
Virginia shrugs.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Well, I figured if this was a dream, it's the best I've had in years.  
  
He arches an eyebrow.  
  
CUPID  
  
And if not?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
What straight woman wouldn't give a kidney to have a handsome Greek god in her apartment saying he's there to help her find love?  
  
CUPID [flattered]  
  
Thank you.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Besides, you remind me of Antonio Banderas.  
  
CUPID  
  
Antonio who?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Never mind. He's an actor.  
  
Cupid only nods, apparently filing this bit of info away for later.  
  
CUPID  
  
So, now that you've missed your appointment at the dating service...?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I console myself with the hopes that he was gay, married, or an amorous hunchback with three teeth and halitosis.  
  
CUPID [dryly]  
  
Interesting philosophy.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
It gets me past the speed bumps.  
  
She stands and heads for the bathroom.  
  
VIRGINIA [mock-theatrical]  
  
And, as always, my self-delusions are aided by a hot shower and a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo.  
  
She disappears into the bathroom, leaving Cupid sitting bemused in the bedroom. She TURNS ON THE SHOWER.  
  
CUPID [sotto voce; we only hear his half of his convo with Aphrodite]  
  
Okay, mother, she's accepted me and my assignment. But she seems pretty fatalistic about dating - you heard her.  
  
[pause]  
  
I know, I know, I have a job to do, but it takes two to tango. I'm not sure if she'd be willing to do her part.  
  
He pauses in his apparent monologue and glances towards the bathroom door as Virginia's singing becomes audible above the RUNNING WATER. The song is Madonna's "Express Yourself".  
  
VIRGINIA [o.s., singing within]  
  
"Don't go for second best, baby, put your love to the test, you know you know you've got to... make him express what he feels and baby then you know your love is real..."  
  
  
  
CUPID  
  
Of course I must admit she sings well. Perhaps a karaoke bar?  
  
THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE. Cupid flinches.  
  
CUPID [deflated]  
  
Guess not.  
  
VIRGINIA [singing within]  
  
"Long-stemmed roses are the way to your heart, but he needs to start with your head... satin sheets are very romantic; what happens when you're not in bed?"  
  
WATER SHUTS OFF.  
  
CUPID  
  
I suppose you're right, mother... She will have to do her part. Until then—  
  
Virginia emerges from the bathroom, clad in a bathrobe with a bath towel wound around her hair.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who are you talking to?  
  
CUPID  
  
My supervisor.  
  
VIRGINIA [flatly]  
  
Really. Well, be sure and let Aphrodite know what a fat lot of help she's been to me on the dating scene.  
  
She goes to her closet and begins selecting some clothing.  
  
CUPID [smirking slightly]  
  
Trust me, she knows.  
  
After she chooses an outfit for the day, she heads back to the bathroom.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
By the way, I'm going to be heading to the library today to research a writing assignment. Can I trust you to hold down the fort while I'm gone?  
  
CUPID  
  
Holding down forts is Ares' forte, not mine.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Ares who?  
  
CUPID  
  
The god of war. You know, warfare... forts...  
  
She glares.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
But, if you insist...  
  
She disappears into the bathroom once again. Cupid mouths the word "bingo".  
  
CUPID [sotto voce]  
  
If all goes well, she will run into the one you've set aside for her at the library.  
  
[pause]  
  
If not? [Smiles] Well, I'm always up for a challenge.  
  
THE HAIR DRYER COMES ON in the bathroom. After a thoughtful pause, Cupid starts to get antsy. When the hair dryer stops:  
  
CUPID  
  
Could you hurry it up in there?  
  
VIRGINIA [within]  
  
The library's been there since 1986. It can wait a few minutes more. And so can you.  
  
CUPID [sotto]  
  
Not everyone is as patient as a building.  
  
[He frowns towards the ceiling.]  
  
Yes, mother, I know neither am I.  
  
He folds his arms and harrumphs, looking very much like the youngster he is among the gods.  
  
EST. JAVA MAN COFFEE BAR.  
  
The coffee bar sits on a street-corner, under a sign reading "Java Man" and decorated with a cartoon of a caveman walking while dragging a heavy club behind him and sipping from a steaming coffee mug. Through the large plate glass windows decorated with similar painted Neanderthals [a few of whom look suspiciously like Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble], we can see various patrons within.  
  
  
  
INT. JAVA MAN COFFEE BAR.  
  
Scott sits at the bar, now wearing a tee bearing a cartoon entitled "The Evolution of Man", in which man evolves from an ape to walking erect with stone tools to developing the use of the jackhammer to finally crouched over a computer. He is absorbed in a copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles; his lips move almost silently as he reads, though we can hear him faintly mumbling the text.  
  
He pauses in his reading long enough to take a sip of his coffee, a lukewarm cappuccino in a Styrofoam mug, and grimaces. He marks his place in the book with a coffee stirrer, pays for his coffee, and gets up, tucking the book under his arm. As the clerk takes the money he laid on the counter, he heads towards the glass doors in b.g., pitching his coffee cup in a trash bin.  
  
He reaches the doors at the same time Virginia does from the outside, and he opens the door for her [triggering a 'chime' that hollers "Yabba Dabba Doo" a la Fred Flintstone]. She enters. He exits. They do not take any special notice of each other.  
  
She sits in the same stool Scott had previously occupied.  
  
VIRGINIA [to a server off-screen]  
  
One vanilla latte, extra whipped cream.  
  
SERVER [o.s.]  
  
Coming right up.  
  
Sound of COFFEE BEING PREPARED. A Styrofoam cup brimming with latte is set before her.  
  
EXT. STREET - DAY.  
  
Virginia walks down the sidewalk with her half-finished coffee. She passes by a bench, where Scott has paused to tie his shoe. Again, they do not notice each other. Hold on Scott as he finishes tying his shoe and straightens up, picking up his book, then:  
  
EST. LIBRARY - DAY.  
  
The library is a modern-looking building with steps leading up to several sets of double doors and apparently more windows than solid walls. The sheets of glass reflect the goings-on across the street like huge mirrors. As we watch, Virginia approaches from left, climbs the stairs, throws away her emptied cup in a trash bin, and enters the library. A short time later, Scott enters the frame from left and approaches the library. Cut to:  
  
INT. LIBRARY - DAY.  
  
We are looking down an aisle as Scott passes r to l at the far end of the shelves, absorbed in a book he has found.  
  
RACK FOCUS as Virginia passes l to r at the near end. She is immersed in a computer printout of books she wants to find.  
  
OTS CUPID.  
  
Cupid crouches atop one of the shelves, invisible to all but us. He has decided not to wear the borrowed outfit for this task - he is wearing only a white kilt [in the style of ancient Greece]. He holds a golden bow, nocked with one of his legendary love arrows but not drawn back. A quiver of similar arrows is on his back, though the arrow at his bow seems to be "charged," trailing GOLD SPARKLES as it moves. He alternately watches Virginia and Scott, starting to get frustrated. Why won't they at least get close enough to see each other?  
  
OTS VIRGINIA.  
  
Her list includes such titles as Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and similar relationship guides, and their respective catalog numbers, obviously printed from the library's computerized database [Library logo at top, URL at bottom]. She paces slowly along the rows of nonfiction, attempting to find her resources.  
  
SCOTT,  
  
meanwhile, is in the mystery section, flipping through an Agatha Christie novel - Sleeping Murder. Baskervilles is still tucked under his left arm.  
  
CUPID  
  
studies their respective positions very carefully. Nobody said this would be easy, but nobody said it would be this hard, either. He turns to aim for Virginia as she is emerging from nonfiction, then thinks better of it and aims for Scott, who is starting to head out of the mystery section. [Note: If his arrow hits two people, they automatically fall in love with each other. If it hits only one, that person falls in love with the next person they see, within their sexual orientation.]  
  
CUPID [sotto]  
  
Talk about a 7-10 split.  
  
SCOTT glances up from the Agatha Christie novel to watch where he's going as he emerges from between a pair of shelves into the reading area, and happens to be looking in Virginia's direction.  
  
CUPID fires.  
  
THE ARROW passes behind Scott, missing him by bare inches and exploding in GOLD SPARKLES against the shelf beyond. He fails to notice.  
  
CUPID  
  
Damn!  
  
APHRODITE [v.o., for Cupid's ears only]  
  
You better get this one right, son - you remember that whole fiasco you caused when one of your arrows grazed Bill Clinton.  
  
CUPID  
  
I know, I know... and I said I was sorry!  
  
His face set in a granite expression somewhere between frustration and determination, he draws another arrow and sets it to his bow. The arrowhead instantly ignites like a golden sparkler.  
  
CUPID'S P.O.V.  
  
as he sights along the arrow at Scott once again. He fires. This time the arrow clips a corner of Baskervilles, knocking it to the floor unnoticed. It continues its course and impacts with the kneecap of another MAN. Cupid reacts.  
  
MAN [looking at his kneecap]  
  
What the hell...?  
  
He looks around and sees a WOMAN emerging from between two shelves. As per the power of the arrow, he is instantly enamored with her. He drifts towards her in a dream state.  
  
MAN [to the woman]  
  
I'm blinded by your beauty... If only I knew your name.  
  
WOMAN [looking at him like he's drunk]  
  
Buzz off.  
  
MAN  
  
Even a bee returns to the most beautiful of flowers. May I taste your nectar?  
  
He attempts to embrace her and gets a hardcover novel across the face. She hurries away amid the shelves as he staggers back from the force of the blow. He shakes his head to clear it, then pursues her. We hear someone get PUNCHED.  
  
WOMAN [o.s.]  
  
Creep!  
  
VIRGINIA,  
  
emerging from nonfiction, regards this scene with disgust. The library used to be safe from perverts like that.  
  
CUPID  
  
cringes as thunder rolls outside. He looks over his shoulder and upwards, pointing to the fallen book.  
  
CUPID [desperately]  
  
See? See? I accomplished something with that arrow! She just has to find that book and take it to his place to return it, and [claps hands once for emphasis] WHAM! I get them with an arrow! Everything's going just as I planned!  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
And what plan is that?  
  
Cupid blows a raspberry at the ceiling, then looks to see another WOMAN approaching the fallen book.  
  
WOMAN #2 [to Scott]  
  
Sir?  
  
CUPID  
  
Oh no you don't!  
  
He straightens up slightly on his perch, and unfolds a pair of previously unseen golden wings. Faster than the eye can follow, he streaks off towards the book.  
  
SCOTT,  
  
is at the front desk checking out Sleeping Murder. Having heard the woman calling to him, he half-turns.  
  
THE WOMAN  
  
bends to pick up the book.  
  
WOMAN #2  
  
Sir, you...  
  
Cupid streaks past, snatching up the book almost from the woman's grasp.  
  
WOMAN #2 [finishing]  
  
...dropped this.  
  
She reacts to the apparent disappearance of the book.  
  
SCOTT  
  
decides the woman wasn't talking about anything important, and exits the library, shaking his head dismissively.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
is at the front desk, checking out her research materials. Cupid swings by, depositing Baskervilles atop the stack of checked-out books, where it is immediately covered by another book.  
  
LIBRARY CLERK  
  
There you go. Have a nice day.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Thank you.  
  
Virginia gathers up her books and heads for the exit.  
  
INT - VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM - DAY  
  
CUPID  
  
streaks in, makes a brief detour to the closet, and ends his hyper-speed journey sitting in the chair where Virginia left him, in the glaring outfit we saw before.  
  
He looks towards the bed, and then reacts as he sees his passage has knocked the lamp off-balance. It is within a hair of falling. He makes an amazing diving catch and sets the lamp back on the nightstand just as we hear Virginia UNLOCKING THE DOOR.  
  
INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY  
  
Virginia opens the door from the outside and enters her apartment. She sets her armful of books on the desk by the computer.  
  
The stack skews off sideways, the top two books falling off the end of the desk - one of them is Baskervilles.  
  
Virginia curses under her breath and gathers up the fallen books, then pauses as she sees Baskervilles amongst her relationship books. She sets the other one on the desk and puzzles over the novel, trying to think how it could have gotten there.  
  
INT. - BEDROOM - DAY  
  
CUPID  
  
is hurriedly smoothing his hair and clothing as Virginia enters, bearing the novel.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Hey, Cupid?  
  
Cupid looks in her direction, his composure restored.  
  
CUPID  
  
Yes?  
  
Virginia holds out Baskervilles.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I found this in my stack of books. Any thoughts how it got here?  
  
CUPID [mock-offended]  
  
Oh, sure, blame the love god for everything. I see how you are.  
  
Virginia scowls at him.  
  
VIRGINIA [waving the book]  
  
I know I didn't check this out.  
  
Cupid tries to act innocent, but does a rotten job of it.  
  
CUPID  
  
Then I wonder whose it could be. Perhaps it's written inside the front cover.  
  
Virginia snorts and opens the front cover of the book.  
  
HER POV  
  
as she regards a label pasted on the inside front cover of the book, which reads,  
  
"If found please return to  
  
SCOTT CLAYTON  
  
1532 GRAND AVE."  
  
The name and address are neatly penned in; the rest of the words are part of the prefabricated label.  
  
Virginia looks blandly to Cupid, who is whistling mock-innocently.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Aren't you smart.  
  
CUPID [matter-of-fact]  
  
Aren't I?  
  
She makes a frustrated "rrrrgh" noise and marches out of the room.  
  
CUPID [triumphant]  
  
Phase one has been executed!  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
And she now thinks you're a pompous ass. Brilliant.  
  
CUPID [upward]  
  
Wha-at?  
  
INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY  
  
Virginia sets Scott's book on the coffee table for now, and then goes to her work station and turns on the computer. THE COMPUTER BOOTS UP. A dialog box pops up asking for her password. She types in seven characters [we do not see which seven] and hits Enter. Windows starts up with the same EXPLOSION NOISE. As she works, CAMERA pulls back...  
  
MOUNT OLYMPUS  
  
... and again we see her framed by the reflecting pool. We watch over Aphrodite's shoulder for a time, before her concentration is broken by someone approaching at a sprint. The image shatters fluidly as Aphrodite straightens up.  
  
We see her face for the first time, and true to her role as goddess of beauty and love, she is possessed of an ethereal beauty that has enchanted many men, mortal and immortal. Her sleeveless gown is light and gauzy, and swirls around her almost in slow motion as she turns to face the archway at left.  
  
Hermes comes out of overdrive and Kramer-slides into the room through the archway, slightly out of breath. The small wings on the heels of his sandals are still flapping furiously, but slow to a stop as he bows quickly to her.  
  
HERMES [urgently, and speaking so fast he is almost unintelligible]  
  
Aphrodite-I-have-an-important-message-for-you.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Slow down. Take a deep breath.  
  
He does.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Now, what were you saying?  
  
HERMES  
  
I have an important message for you. It's from Zeus himself.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Oh, hell. What's he want?  
  
HERMES  
  
He wants to know how the Falstaff assignment is going.  
  
APHRODITE [irritated]  
  
Tell him it's going just fine. I'm fine, Virginia is fine, Cupid is fine, the assignment is fine, everything's fine!  
  
HERMES  
  
One more thing.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
What?  
  
HERMES  
  
He'll be here in about seven seconds for a surprise inspection. [as she opens her mouth to reply] Good luck!  
  
He vanishes moments before ZEUS enters the room. Zeus looks like he is in his later years [though again, how can one estimate that with the gods?], with a full white beard, and is clad in full robes. He smiles paternally as he greets Aphrodite, kissing her hand.  
  
ZEUS  
  
Greetings, love goddess. I trust everything is going well?  
  
Aphrodite bows curtly.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Everything's fine.  
  
ZEUS [mock-chiding]  
  
Details. As the King of the Gods, I expect more than a two-word summary.  
  
She sighs.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Cupid rendezvoused with Virginia Falstaff at 2:30 a.m., local mortal time, on Saturday morning. She understands his assignment and is cooperating as well as can be expected, considering he showed up naked.  
  
ZEUS  
  
He what?  
  
  
  
APHRODITE  
  
It seems he went straight to her home without securing some sort of native clothing. [She waves her hand dismissively.]  
  
He was just eager to start the assignment, that's all.  
  
Zeus frowns.  
  
ZEUS  
  
I trust he at least secured some clothing afterwards. They aren't living in Eden, you know.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
He did. The previous owner had rather atrocious fashion sense, but...  
  
[shrugs]  
  
If it helps him to blend in, all the better.  
  
ZEUS  
  
Good. What is his current status?  
  
Aphrodite merely sighs, the type of resignation any mother could relate to.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
He's going off half-cocked, as usual.  
  
ZEUS  
  
Is he now. Perhaps I might inspire him to take this assignment a little more seriously.  
  
He turns to leave.  
  
APHRODITE [dryly]  
  
Good luck.  
  
Zeus pauses for a beat.  
  
ZEUS [matter-of-fact]  
  
Thank you.  
  
He leaves. As Aphrodite turns back to the reflecting pool, she is again distracted, this time by a playful squeal and some giggling.  
  
She turns toward an archway in the background, in time to see a nymph run past, pursued playfully by three satyrs.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
Settle down, you four!  
  
NYMPH #1 and the SATYRS  
  
Awwww!  
  
She shakes her head in dismissal and again returns her attention to the pool.  
  
OTS APHRODITE  
  
as she returns her attention to the reflecting pool. The image of Virginia reforms in the water, but now she is walking along the sidewalk outside. CAMERA zooms towards the pool until the edges are no longer visible, and we are:  
  
EXT. SIDEWALK - THE FOLLOWING DAY - MORTAL TIME  
  
TYPEOVER: Falstaff Assignment: Day Two  
  
Virginia has Baskervilles under her near arm and is on her way to return it to its rightful owner.  
  
PAN quickly ahead of her to peek around the corner, where we see a large, radiantly white bull [so much so that it almost seems to be glowing, or else made of chrome] approaching the same corner at a confident trot, quite out of place in the urban setting. The audience doesn't know it yet, but this is Zeus. The pedestrians around it seem to be looking for the cattle truck it escaped from - none can be seen.  
  
Virginia rounds the corner and stops short as she sees the divine bovine. It also stops, shaking its horns at her.  
  
ZEUS-BULL [in Zeus' voice]  
  
Hey baby.  
  
Virginia looks around uncertainly, wondering if she was the only one who heard it speak.  
  
ZEUS-BULL [contd.]  
  
How about a little bullriding?  
  
Virginia starts to back away. It follows at roughly the same pace.  
  
ZEUS-BULL [contd.]  
  
Tell me, are you into leather?  
  
She turns and runs. Zeus-bull looks bewildered for a few moments before giving chase with a loud bellow.  
  
ZEUS-BULL [shouting]  
  
Wait! This worked on Europa dammit!  
  
She dodges her way through the furniture of a sidewalk cafe - oddly enough, a Burger King, as indicated by the sign on the restaurant in the background. Shortly afterwards, Zeus-bull comes CRASHING through with all the grace of a bull in a china shop, upsetting tables, smashing chairs, spilling food, and alarming the diners.  
  
Hold on the wreckage for a few moments as the patrons attempt to recover their collective dignity and figure out what the hell just happened. Cupid sprints through at approximately 35 miles per hour, leaping over an upturned table and snagging the vinyl table cloth in passing.  
  
CUPID [as he passes]  
  
Can I borrow this?  
  
CAMERA PANS  
  
alongside Cupid as he sprints faster than mortally possible, the borrowed tablecloth tucked under his arm, and wearing his classic Greek wardrobe as seen in the library scene, and Greek-style sandals laced halfway up the calf. He gradually pulls up alongside Zeus-bull as the latter swerves to avoid a planter and ricochets off a parked car, leaving a large dent in the latter.  
  
Cupid turns to address the bull, apparently not out of breath at all.  
  
CUPID  
  
Excuse me, big daddy.  
  
Zeus-bull looks over at him.  
  
ZEUS-BULL  
  
Ah. I was wondering when you'd show up.  
  
CUPID  
  
Oh ye of little faith. I was just reclaiming my assignment. Have a nice nap.  
  
Cupid throws the table cloth over Zeus-bull's head. Zeus-bull slams headlong into a lamppost with a METALLIC CLANG, felling the lamppost and knocking himself out.  
  
Cupid slows to a stop, looking around for Virginia. By the time he turns around to look behind him, he is once again in his borrowed outfit. Virginia emerges from a delicatessen a good distance behind him. She looks at him, then at the incapacitated bull, smiles, and begins clapping. Other nearby pedestrians who saw the outcome of the chase join in the applause.  
  
Cupid, hardly the modest type, bows, graciously accepting the applause. Virginia makes her way over to Cupid, who produces Baskervilles and hands it to her.  
  
CUPID  
  
You dropped this.  
  
She starts laughing, partly with relief and partly in admiration that he could keep his sense of humor after running down a bull like that, and hugs him, kissing him on the cheek. He merely smiles.  
  
He turns to the crowd.  
  
CUPID  
  
And now for my next trick, I shall make his dozing bull...  
  
[He gestures to the covered Zeus-bull with a flourish.]  
  
vanish before your very eyes!  
  
PAN across the politely expectant spectators.  
  
VIRGINIA smirks slightly.  
  
CUPID grasps a corner of the table cloth.  
  
CUPID  
  
I know you're thinking that I'm kidding. But this bull will really vanish, and that [whisks the cloth away with a flourish, revealing he has indeed made Zeus-bull vanish]  
  
certainly is no bull!  
  
Applause, with scattered whistling and cheering. Cupid bows as before.  
  
VIRGINIA [aside to Cupid]  
  
I suppose you have a perfectly good explanation for all this.  
  
CUPID  
  
I believe I do. The question is, do you want to hear it?  
  
He puts an arm around her waist as they begin walking home.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I practically grew up reading tabloids. It would take a lot to surprise me anymore.  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S LIVING ROOM - SAME DAY  
  
Virginia looks quite surprised and not a little revolted.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Let me see if I understand you correctly.  
  
Cupid gestures for her to go right ahead.  
  
VIRGINIA [cont'd]  
  
That bull was Zeus...  
  
CUPID  
  
Yup.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
...who took the form of a bull...  
  
CUPID  
  
Yup.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
... to seduce me...  
  
CUPID  
  
Yup.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
... and subsequently play "Where's the Beef" with me.  
  
Cupid tries to disguise a chuckle at her choice of words by clearing his throat.  
  
CUPID  
  
Basically.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
And he thought this would work why?  
  
CUPID  
  
Because of his success a couple millennia ago with a woman by the name of Europa. He appeared to her in the form of a radiantly white bull, charmed the sandals off her, and took her away to a distant island to... well... play "Where's the Beef?" with her. Only in a more human form.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Yeah, but that was ancient times... we aren't that, uh, free today.  
  
CUPID  
  
Woodstock. Prostitution. Any number of 'gentlemen's clubs.'  
  
[pause]  
  
William J. Clinton.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Don't tell me you've heard about that too!  
  
CUPID [sheepish]  
  
Who do you think caused it?  
  
VIRGINIA [sarcastic]  
  
Well, that certainly bolsters my confidence in you.  
  
He shrugs helplessly.  
  
CUPID  
  
Love arrows can't be recalled.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Yeah. Well. Aim better.  
  
He snickers.  
  
Pause.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Zeus was so eager to get his, er, claws in me... why doesn't he get married or something?  
  
Cupid rolls his eyes.  
  
CUPID  
  
He is married.  
  
Cut to:  
  
MOUNT OLYMPUS  
  
We arrive in the middle of a fierce argument between Zeus - who is holding what looks like a glowing piece of cloud to his head - and HERA, his wife. Hera is one of the older-looking goddesses, but she has aged gracefully, retaining her beauty in the process.  
  
HERA  
  
I still don't know what possessed you to go and do that.  
  
ZEUS  
  
It was all in fun—you know that! And I've done it before!  
  
HERA  
  
I didn't like it the FIRST time you did it, either! Or the second, or the third...  
  
ZEUS  
  
I get the point! No need to hammer it in.  
  
HERA  
  
You know what? You're bull-headed even WITHOUT pulling that crap!  
  
ZEUS  
  
So? YOU married me!  
  
HERA  
  
And you married ME! What does that tell you?  
  
ZEUS  
  
Nothing! Aphrodite marries that hunchbacked metalworker Hephaestus and then has a dozen lovers.  
  
HERA  
  
Well, she didn't get that from MY side of the family!  
  
ZEUS  
  
I have a headache. I don't want to discuss this right now.  
  
HERA  
  
You have a headache because you ran into a light pole at forty miles per hour!  
  
With that parting shot, she picks up her skirts and leaves the room.  
  
Zeus is left sitting alone. His cup-bearer - a cherubic-looking boy - approaches with a silver cup, and pours glittering water from it into a basin at Zeus' feet. Zeus grunts his thanks, and as the boy leaves, still bearing the cup, Zeus dips the piece of cloud into the water, wrings it out, and reapplies it to his head, grumbling.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT SIDEWALK - NIGHT  
  
Cupid and Virginia are walking down the sidewalk side-by side - Cupid in a somewhat less glaring outfit than the one we've seen him in [all in black, with white accents that make him look like a Spanish dancer of some sort], and Virginia in a muted purple outfit with a gold brooch at her left shoulder.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Explain again why we're going to a dance club...?  
  
CUPID  
  
So you can get the hang of having a good time again.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I know how to have a good time.  
  
CUPID  
  
Sure didn't look like it at the Lonely Hearts.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
How—?  
  
[She shakes her head.]  
  
Never mind. I won't even ask.  
  
Cupid grins as he passes through a No Parking sign amid his trademark SPARKLES.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Showoff.  
  
A PROSTITUTE addresses Cupid from o.s.  
  
PROSTITUTE  
  
Hey, Latino lion, you tryin' to teach her how to have a good time?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
You stay out of—  
  
CUPID [to Virginia]  
  
I'll handle this.  
  
He approaches the lady of the night, clad as she is in the characteristic uniform of the world's oldest profession. He leans intimately close. The Prostitute smiles.  
  
CUPID  
  
Ma'am...  
  
PROSTITUTE  
  
Call me Ginger.  
  
CUPID  
  
Ginger, then.  
  
[long pause]  
  
Don't try to do my job for me.  
  
He grins, tips her a wink, and withdraws back to Virginia's side. They continue past the bewildered Prostitute.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
You could have just said no.  
  
CUPID  
  
But that wouldn't have been any fun.  
  
She laughs.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EST. ORPHEUS' UNDERWORLD - NIGHT  
  
OU is a dance club accentuated by a statue of a ferocious-looking three- headed dog looming on its roof, lit from below with red spotlights. The dog's eyes [all six of them] also glow red, and white smoke puffs from its mouths every ten seconds or so.  
  
However, OU is not a techno-goth club - despite the Underworld theme - but just a place where people go to eat, drink, be merry, and shake their collective groove thing. A modest crowd filters in and out through the front door.  
  
Cupid and Virginia approach from right frame.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I can't believe I let you talk me into this.  
  
CUPID  
  
You'll come to believe a lot of things by the time this night is over.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
If you say so.  
  
They intermingle with the ingoing crowd and enter the club.  
  
INT. ORPHEUS' UNDERWORLD - NIGHT  
  
The interior of the club is sporadically lit by whirling light balls and flashing colored spots. The crowd packs the dance floor, engaged in what looks like a tribal fertility dance to Bananarama's "I'm Your Venus".  
  
If we look closely, we might see a few more mythical characters on the dance floor - satyrs and nymphs, mainly, though the most obvious are a group of wild-looking women with flowers woven through their spiky, uncombed hair - Bacchus' Maenads - having a miniature toga party in the center of the floor - though the observer may suspect that they are not necessarily all wearing togas.  
  
A more subtle presence creeps through the fluctuating shadows cast my the multicolored strobes - a definite contrast to the rest of the dancers, though we might not notice it immediately because of the main lollapalooza.  
  
Among the dancers, we find:  
  
DISGUISED ZEUS,  
  
hanging out near the fringe of the crowd - he is now sans beard and some of his age, and wears a tee-shirt bearing the slogan "It's Good to Be the King", but we can still recognize him [he looks like a younger version of the Zeus we saw on Mount Olympus]. He turns his head to follow as Cupid and Virginia pass by. Then he disappears into the crowd.  
  
DISGUISED HERA,  
  
having taken the form of a party-loving mortal woman with a laurel-branch headband woven in her platinum-silver hair, freely mingles. She accepts the offer of a dance from a miscellaneous MAN in the crowd, but as she dances she seems distracted, as though she is still looking for someone.  
  
SCOTT,  
  
making his way slowly through the crowd. In the breast pocket of his shirt is a folded blue card. He is presently snagged by what we recognize and he doesn't as a NYMPH, clad in something gauzy and blue, over a shimmery cat- suit. They begin dancing together - her wildly, him a bit more restrained.  
  
Scott has to shout to be heard above the music.  
  
SCOTT  
  
My name's Scott. What's yours?  
  
NYMPH #2  
  
Ariel.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Oh. Is that Greek?  
  
The nymph smiles knowingly.  
  
NYMPH #2  
  
You could say that.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
glances uncertainly at Cupid, who looks like he's already having a good time, bouncing in time to the music.  
  
CUPID  
  
Can I buy you a drink?  
  
She doesn't answer right away, not quite believing that he'd want her getting drunk in such a place.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
Virginia?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Uh... sure.  
  
They head to the bar.  
  
The bartender is a strikingly handsome, curly-haired man who appears to have eaten, drunk, and been merry all his life - and in fact this is true, since he is BACCHUS, the god of wine and revelry. He looks towards Virginia and Cupid, and grins. He and Cupid know each other.  
  
CUPID  
  
Hey Bacchus!  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Hey there, Cupid! Long time!  
  
Cupid bangs fists chummily with Bacchus.  
  
CUPID  
  
Still up to your old gigs, eh, Bacchus?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Bacchus?  
  
CUPID  
  
The god of wine and revelry.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who is serving beer at a dance club.  
  
Bacchus shrugs.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Don't they look like they're reveling?  
  
Virginia glances over her shoulder to the dancers.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Well yeah, but...  
  
Bacchus smiles cheerily.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Have a beer.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I don't drink beer.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Cupid?  
  
CUPID  
  
Gin and tonic. One for me, one for the lady.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Coming right up.  
  
As he goes to pour the drinks, a heavily inebriated man staggers up, wearing a Coed Naked Firefighting tee [Find Em Hot and Leave Em Wet] and jeans that should have been retired a month ago. He himself looks like he should have stopped drinking an hour ago, but one hand still clings to a beer mug. This is JASON, Virginia's ex.  
  
JASON [slurry]  
  
Ay babe...  
  
Virginia looks rather revolted at his display of excess.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
What the hell do you want, Jason?  
  
JASON  
  
Jess wannid to talk.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I have nothing to say to you. You just run along with Mee-Shell and have a nice life. You're out of mine.  
  
JASON  
  
Lissen baby...  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I told you not to call me that! Now get away from me.  
  
CUPID  
  
You'd better do what she says, Jason.  
  
JASON  
  
Why should I lissen to you? You her new lay?  
  
Cupid stares down the young man, his hands balling into fists at his sides. His knuckles CRACKLE.  
  
JASON [cont'd, oblivious]  
  
Naw... hair that long, you couldn't possibly be straight.  
  
Virginia slaps Jason powerfully across the face. The mostly empty beer mug falls and SHATTERS on the floor. Jason looks open-mouthed at the splashed remains of his beer.  
  
JASON  
  
You BITCH!  
  
He tries to strike her, but finds his arm stopped in mid-swing. Cupid has seized his wrist in an uncompromising grasp. No matter how Jason tries to pull free, Cupid holds firm.  
  
CUPID  
  
I suggest you apologize.  
  
JASON  
  
The bitch spilled my beer!  
  
Cupid smiles.  
  
CUPID [wryly]  
  
Then take it up with me.  
  
[He chuckles ironically.]  
  
For the honor of your Michelob.  
  
He releases Jason's wrist, and is immediately inundated by the mortal's flying fists. Not one connects with any vital areas, though; Cupid's hands are flying just as quickly - if not more so - and blocking the punches with a staccato series of SLAPS. His arms seem to double, or even treble as he blocks punch after punch.  
  
He stifles a yawn with one hand, while the other works double-time. Still no blows land.  
  
Cupid cranes his head to talk to Bacchus, without missing a single punch.  
  
CUPID  
  
Hey Bacchus, how'd this dip shit get past security?  
  
Bacchus shrugs sheepishly.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
I just serve the alcohol here.  
  
CUPID [to Jason]  
  
Had enough?  
  
Jason is flushed and almost breathless with frenetic exertion. Finally he wears himself out and his arms flop uselessly to his sides as he gasps for breath.  
  
Cupid is none the worse for wear.  
  
Even Virginia is visibly amazed at what she just saw.  
  
Bacchus looks from Cupid, to Jason, back to Cupid, with a politely expectant smile on his round face.  
  
BACCHUS  
  
That it?  
  
CUPID  
  
Guess so.  
  
Jason passes out, into the arms of a white-robed bouncer, who drags him out of frame.  
  
A SATYR marches up to the bar on cloven hooves and plops himself on a barstool near Virginia. His demeanor may remind one of Austin Powers.  
  
SATYR #4  
  
Heya toots.  
  
Virginia reacts to the satyr.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
What is this place?  
  
Bacchus pours the Satyr a beer. The Satyr raises the brimming mug in cheers towards Virginia.  
  
SATYR #4  
  
Dance club to the gods, baby - only a few mortals are allowed, and only by invitation. Consider yerself very lucky.  
  
[He wiggles his pointed ears at her.]  
  
Extremely lucky.  
  
Cupid decides to intervene. He interposes himself between the satyr and Virginia.  
  
CUPID  
  
The lady is with me.  
  
The satyr raises his hands defensively.  
  
SATYR #4  
  
Jest window shopping, big daddy. Wouldn't dream of horning in.  
  
He laughs hoarsely.  
  
CUPID  
  
Trust me - I know what your people do and don't dream about.  
  
SATYR #4 [wounded]  
  
Hey!  
  
Cupid turns back to Virginia, who has just received the G + T's and is sipping one.  
  
CUPID  
  
Shall we dance?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
But the drinks -  
  
  
  
CUPID  
  
Can wait.  
  
[leans in conspiratorially]  
  
Goat boy's getting horny.  
  
SATYR #4  
  
I resent that remark!  
  
Cupid ignores the satyr.  
  
CUPID  
  
So... shall we dance?  
  
He takes her by the hand and leads her away from the bar.  
  
CUPID [over his shoulder to Bacchus]  
  
Save our drinks for us!  
  
BACCHUS  
  
Sure thing.  
  
As they reach the dance floor, the DJ [wherever he is - we haven't seen him yet] begins playing "Livin' La Vida Loca." As soon as Virginia's shoes hits the dance floor proper, Cupid points in her direction.  
  
A cluster of his trademark GOLD SPARKLES whirl around her feet and rapidly up her body, changing her outfit into something more befitting the mood of the tune.  
  
The purples melt to reds and oranges. Her pant cuffs become the hemline of a skirt that ends up hitting mid-calf on the left leg, with a diagonal slit up to the midpoint of her right thigh. The material is magically tailored to fit more snugly around her. The neckline plunges in a deep V-shape. Her sleeves become semitransparent. In all, a very daring outfit, very much suited to the mood of the song. She gets a few appreciative whistles from the local satyrs.  
  
VIRGINIA [looking at the changes]  
  
What the HELL?  
  
Cupid grabs her by the hand and draws her close.  
  
CUPID  
  
Just relax and go with the music.  
  
  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
But I don't know how to—  
  
CUPID  
  
You do now.  
  
She's into superstition  
  
Black cats and voodoo dolls...  
  
C spins V across frame l to r with his right hand and catches her in his left arm around her waist. His magic is infectious as she finds her feet and body moving with him and with the music.  
  
The other dancers give them room to strut their stuff as V finds herself executing a rather kicky, modernized rhumba, moving to Cupid's lead.  
  
She'll make you take your clothes off  
  
And go dancing in the rain...  
  
The dancing alters its speed to fit that of the music; during the bridge, C and V walk around each other at a subdued pace, until:  
  
Come on!  
  
Virginia kicks out, hitting a satyr who got too close.  
  
Upside, inside out  
  
Living La Vida Loca!  
  
Virginia struts her stuff under Cupid's guidance. If she really hasn't danced before, she could've fooled the other dancers.  
  
She'll push and pull you down!  
  
Livin la vida loca!  
  
Her lips are devil red  
  
And her skin's the color mocha!  
  
She will wear you out  
  
Livin la vida loca!  
  
Livin la vida loca!  
  
She's livin la vida loca!  
  
The spangles on her juiced-up outfit catch the lights and ricochet them in all directions with her movements.  
  
Another satyr gets too close and one of her dance kicks knocks him back into the crowd. Cupid is certainly enjoying himself as he guides her movements through signals we cannot readily discern.  
  
Woke up in New York city  
  
In a funky cheap hotel...  
  
Virginia shimmies as Cupid moves his hands up from her hips, not quite touching her. Then he catches her hands, already held above her head, and throws her into another wild spin.  
  
The dance infects even those nearby, so that it triggers a localized synchronization - yet Cupid and Virginia still have center stage, and keep it throughout the remainder of the song.  
  
She never drinks the water  
  
Makes you order French champagne...  
  
They circle each other first one way,  
  
then the other,  
  
he dips her low from the waist,  
  
and brings her upright, their faces inches apart. She is enchanted. Then -  
  
Spin.  
  
Upside, inside out  
  
Living La Vida Loca...  
  
Another explosion of dancing from the couple. Her costume flashes as he whips her into a flurry of dancing that would put the Maenads to shame - and in fact more than a few of these are watching intently, either overcome with awe or seething with envy.  
  
SCOTT  
  
is distracted from his current dance partner [still the same nymph] by the show of dance skill. He watches them for a few moments until the nymph puts a hand on his cheek and guides his attention back to her. Scott sneaks a peek over the nymphs shoulder as they turn.  
  
The satyr we saw just moments before dodges another kick, starts to laugh, and is promptly belted by her shoe the next time around. He staggers woozily back into the crowd.  
  
We see that by this point her shoes are kicking up GOLD SPARKS of their own as they step rapidly over the underlit dance floor - perhaps a remnant of the magic Cupid used to change her outfit, or the magic he may be using now to help her to dance.  
  
She is now exhilarated by the fast-paced dance as the song enters its last refrain.  
  
Upside, inside out  
  
Living la vida loca  
  
She'll push and pull you down  
  
Living la vida loca  
  
Her lips are devil red  
  
And her skin's the color mocha  
  
She will wear you out  
  
Living la vida loca  
  
Living la vida loca  
  
She's living la vida loca!  
  
Big finish to match song's ending.  
  
Cupid and Virginia remain in their final pose for a few seconds; Virginia is breathing hard while Cupid looks like he merely took a brisk walk around the block.  
  
VIRGINIA [out of breath]  
  
That was... amazing.  
  
Cupid smiles.  
  
CUPID  
  
Didn't know you could dance like that?  
  
She shakes her head.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
Learn something new everyday.  
  
They break the pose, and he walks with her back to the bar.  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
Bacchus claps appreciatively. The G + T's are still on the bar. Cupid downs his at a single toss - apparently such dancing is hard work even for him.  
  
Virginia sips her drink more slowly, her face flushed from the dance.  
  
Cupid appears to be scouting the crowd for someone.  
  
ON THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
SCOTT,  
  
most likely out of politeness, is still dancing with the nymph as the club mix churns on, pulsing out Cher's "Believe".  
  
Hera, still disguised, approaches them and glances significantly at the nymph.  
  
HERA  
  
May I cut in?  
  
The nymph glances at Hera, and backs off obediently.  
  
SCOTT  
  
I thought it was generally men who cut in...  
  
Hera smirks.  
  
HERA  
  
Welcome to the 21st century.  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
Cupid has noticed the change of partners. He frowns.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Something wrong?  
  
Cupid, caught off-guard, fumbles for a response.  
  
CUPID  
  
Oh. Erm, that nymph and satyr ought to get a room.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
They're doing that in PUBLIC?  
  
Cupid shrugs.  
  
CUPID  
  
Well. You know satyrs...  
  
He gestures vividly to indicate the extracurricular activities of most satyrs.  
  
VIRGINIA [profoundly]  
  
Oh.  
  
ON THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
Hera seems to be up-to-date with modern dance - or thinks she is. She is doing the Twist as Cher continues to play in the background. Scott gives her a weird look.  
  
SCOTT  
  
And what do you call this?  
  
HERA [oblivious]  
  
The Twist. I hear it's all the rage now.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Um. Yeah.  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
CUPID  
  
Excuse me a moment. I need to use the Little Olympians' room.  
  
Virginia smiles and gestures for him to go ahead.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Don't fall in.  
  
He vanishes into the crowd.  
  
ON THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
Cupid reappears beside Hera [currently engaged in some Travolta-esque disco moves] and Scott [currently trying to look less weirded-out than he really is].  
  
CUPID  
  
May I cut in?  
  
Scott and Hera answer simultaneously.  
  
  
  
SCOTT  
  
Sure.  
  
HERA  
  
No.  
  
  
  
Hera glares at Scott, who has already stepped away to make room for Cupid. Cupid begins dancing with Hera.  
  
CUPID [stage whisper]  
  
Aunt Hera, what are you DOING here?  
  
HERA [self-importantly]  
  
Having a good time. What are YOU doing here?  
  
CUPID  
  
My job.  
  
HERA  
  
Yeah. Sure. That dance number you did looked like a lot of hard work.  
  
Cupid sighs.  
  
CUPID  
  
Could you PLEASE just not interfere in this? For once? Mom and I have plans for Scott.  
  
HERA  
  
As I understand, they're not going so well.  
  
CUPID  
  
But they're going.  
  
[beat]  
  
Just not like we planned.  
  
HERA  
  
Uh huh. Well I believe nature may be calling over there.  
  
She points back...  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
Scott approaches the bar next to Virginia and sits where Cupid had been minutes before.  
  
SCOTT [chit-chatty]  
  
Wild crowd.  
  
VIRGINIA [ditto]  
  
Yeah.  
  
She sips her G&T.  
  
SCOTT  
  
You're a pretty good dancer, you know that?  
  
She smiles  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I had an exceptional teacher.  
  
BEHIND THEM,  
  
the shadow that had been haunting the club since the beginning of the sequence oozes smokily into view. It hovers over something on the floor that sparkles in the erratic lighting.  
  
ON THE DANCE FLOOR  
  
CUPID [to Hera]  
  
Excuse me. Duty calls.  
  
Hera gestures dismissively.  
  
HERA  
  
Go right ahead. Save the day.  
  
He breaks away and vanishes into the crowd.  
  
Disguised Zeus approaches Hera  
  
ZEUS  
  
May I have this - [recognizes her] HERA??  
  
HERA  
  
ZEUS??  
  
HERA and ZEUS  
  
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
OTS CUPID  
  
as he watches his assignment fall nicely into place. He holds out a bow- grip, which swiftly unfolds into his golden bow. He nocks a sparkling arrow, aims...  
  
THE SMOKE  
  
solidifies into the form of a handsome but pale man with black hair, of the type one might expect to introduce himself as "Bond, James Bond". This is HADES, the god of the dead, and his costume might remind one of the count or baron of some faraway land [not Dracula, though]. He is suave, debonair, and slick as a box of eels. He is holding Virginia's brooch. He goes to Virginia's side...  
  
Just in time to get in the path of Cupid's flying love arrow. It strikes Hades between the shoulder blades. He reacts.  
  
CUPID reacts. This is very bad.  
  
Hades touches Virginia's shoulder, startling her.  
  
His voice is low and husky, not very loud but easily heard above the music.  
  
HADES  
  
Excuse me.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Yes?  
  
Hades offers the brooch.  
  
HADES  
  
I believe you dropped this.  
  
She recognizes the brooch.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Oh! Thank you.  
  
She takes the brooch, but he seizes her wrist. She looks up at him, alarmed. Scott is looking a bit worried himself at this stranger's behavior.  
  
HADES  
  
The moment I saw you, it was like a bolt of lightning struck my heart. Come with me, and I will make you a queen.  
  
Virginia peers past Hades to see Cupid frantically and emphatically gesturing for her to say no. She returns her gaze to Hades and smiles politely.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Sorry, my horoscope told me to stay away from royalty today.  
  
She attempts to free her wrist. She cannot. He leans in to whisper in her ear.  
  
HADES [whispering]  
  
Nothing can stay the hand of death.  
  
He flares his cloak to that it fills the frame, and becomes the darkness of...  
  
THE UNDERWORLD  
  
Virginia is bewildered by the sudden departure from the club.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Where the hell am I??  
  
Hades materializes from the shadows beside her, scaring her once again. He takes her hand and kisses it.  
  
HADES  
  
Good guess... but not quite.  
  
HER POV  
  
as she looks around at her new surroundings.  
  
Faces of the dead fade in and out in the darkness, slowly swirling around her.  
  
Some are handsome, while others are most ghastly.  
  
Many of them moan and plead for her to free them.  
  
A long, thin, white arm reaches out and brushes her arm with icy fingers. Virginia gives a little scream and shivers.  
  
HADES  
  
Not to worry, my dear... I will protect you from them.  
  
Now we see that they are surrounded with apparitions of the dead, some lurching like zombies, others flowing like mist.  
  
VIRGINIA [distant, echoing]  
  
CUPIIIIID!  
  
The echo continues as we...  
  
FADE TO:  
  
INT. ORPHEUS' UNDERWORLD - SAME  
  
AT THE BAR  
  
The music has stopped.  
  
A dozen godlike characters are gathered around something we cannot see right now. Scott stands to one side, looking bewildered and stunned by what we can only assume happened when Hades kidnaped Virginia.  
  
Cupid stands opposite Scott, looking very pissed. The Olympians crouch as one, and pick up what proves to be Virginia's body, setting her on the cleared-off bar.  
  
She is extremely pale, and blue around the lips and eyes. Her eyes and mouth are wide open in a very shocked expression, like she'd been literally scared to death. Her vacated body is rigid, like a mannequin.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Shouldn't we call 911?  
  
OLYMPIAN #1  
  
No. No paramedics.  
  
OLYMPIAN #2  
  
She needs more than they can offer.  
  
OLYMPIAN #3  
  
No mortals may enter or leave here during this crisis.  
  
SCOTT  
  
I don't get it... we were sitting there, talking... then this guy in black comes up to her... and then suddenly he's gone and she's on the floor!  
  
SEVERAL OLYMPIANS [amongst themselves]  
  
Hades...  
  
CUPID [tensely]  
  
Of all people...  
  
He shoulders his bow, his mood more serious than we've seen him so far.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Do you mean - the devil kidnaped her?  
  
CUPID  
  
Hades isn't the devil, or even a devil. He just controls the Underworld - the true Underworld. I need to get her back. Soon.  
  
Scott is perplexed.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Can I do anything to help?  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
It's best if you don't.  
  
He vanishes, leaving Scott looking more confused than ever. He looks around at the Olympians, then sadly at Virginia.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
MOUNT OLYMPUS  
  
Aphrodite has seen everything. She leans heavily on the edge of the reflecting pool, quivering with anger. Cupid enters at left.  
  
CUPID  
  
Mom, I...  
  
APHRODITE [barely contained]  
  
I know what happened.  
  
CUPID  
  
I'm going down there.  
  
She looks up at him, her face flushed with anger.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
I'm getting her back.  
  
A long pause stretches between them as she weighs his statement.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
I messed up. I'll be the first to admit that.  
  
He unshoulders his quiver of golden arrows and shoulders another quiver of black-shafted arrows.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
I'm going into the Underworld to fix things.  
  
APHRODITE [calmer]  
  
You haven't cared this much about a mortal since you met Psyche.  
  
CUPID  
  
Psyche is my girl. This is Scott's.  
  
  
  
APHRODITE  
  
You know it'll be dangerous.  
  
He half-smiles.  
  
CUPID  
  
Of course it will. That's the fun part.  
  
She cannot help but chuckle at his persistent spirit.  
  
APHRODITE  
  
At least take Hermes with you. He knows that route like the back of his hand.  
  
As soon as he is mentioned, Hermes appears in the archway at right. When he speaks, he startles Aphrodite.  
  
HERMES  
  
'Course I do. Zeus knows I've guided enough souls IN. Now I get to guide a soul OUT.  
  
He claps his hands merrily.  
  
HERMES [cont'd]  
  
Won't this be fun?  
  
He looks between their very serious expressions.  
  
HERMES [cont'd, deflated]  
  
Er, won't it?  
  
A brief pause.  
  
CUPID  
  
Come on.  
  
He exits at the left-hand archway. Hermes dons his wide-brimmed hat, takes up his staff, and follows bouncily.  
  
  
  
APHRODITE [sotto]  
  
Just don't get yourselves killed...  
  
HERMES [o.s.]  
  
WE WON'T!  
  
Aphrodite sighs in resignation and turns back to the reflecting pool.  
  
OTS APHRODITE  
  
In the pool, we see the interior of a cavern, lit at intervals with sconces burning with eerie green flames. We ZOOM FORWARD so the image becomes the reality of...  
  
THE UNDERWORLD - ENTRYWAY.  
  
As our heroes approach, we hear Hermes singing an odd parody of "Camptown Races":  
  
HERMES [o.s., singing]  
  
Hades gonna be so mad,  
  
Doo dah, Doo dah,  
  
When he finds out that he's been had,  
  
Oh, the doo dah day.  
  
We're coming for young Clayton's girl,  
  
Doo dah, Doo dah,  
  
And maybe take her for a whirl,  
  
Oh, the doo dah--  
  
Cupid can't take it anymore.  
  
CUPID  
  
Will you shut up??  
  
By now they have rounded the bend and come into view, the green fire casting an alien glow on their faces.  
  
HERMES  
  
What, you don't like my singing?  
  
CUPID  
  
Hades might not. And remember Cerberus.  
  
Hermes grins and holds up a box of Milk Bones. Oddly, the dog on the box has three heads.  
  
HERMES  
  
I always remember Cerberus.  
  
CUPID [sotto]  
  
Figures.  
  
A beat. Then:  
  
HERMES  
  
Of course you know Hades' wife Persephone is gonna have a Minotaur if she finds out about Virginia.  
  
CUPID  
  
I think that would be worse than meeting Cerberus.  
  
They chuckle, the tension easing but not quite broken  
  
They continue deeper into the Underworld. Elsewhere...  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
is trying to escape from Hades' embrace.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Let go of me!  
  
He forces a kiss on her and she claws at his face. He snarls, recoiling, and we see that the scratches are not the usual red, but black, as though she'd torn the mask of some monster. She knees him in the groin. He falls back, doubling over in masculine pain, and she breaks free and runs down one of several corridors.  
  
Hades straightens up, holding an ichor-stained hand to his face. His expression is one of frustration and anger - and it isn't pretty. His eyes have become distinctly red at the irises.  
  
HADES  
  
CERBERUS!  
  
Cerberus, the three-headed wolfhound whose job it is to keep the dead from escaping the Underworld, bounds up, looking much more fearsome than the statue atop Orpheus' Underworld. It is a massive beast, larger than any mortal hound. Saliva [we hope] drips from its three mouths, its jaws lined with uniformly serrated teeth like a shark's. Its eyes blaze red with an internal fire and disturbing intelligence. It gives a TRIPLE BARK, its voices overlapping.  
  
  
  
HADES  
  
Track her! Bring her back to me!  
  
Cerberus bays and leaps off down the corridor like a black-furred locomotive with teeth.  
  
VIRGINIA glances over her shoulder and in the unstable lighting sees Cerberus chasing her. She screams.  
  
CUPID AND HERMES  
  
hear the echo of her scream.  
  
HERMES [almost in wonder]  
  
Damn...  
  
Cupid looks down a side corridor  
  
CUPID  
  
This way.  
  
He heads down the side corridor  
  
HERMES  
  
Wait a--... oh hell.  
  
Hermes follows Cupid.  
  
CERBERUS halts in the corridor where a side corridor branches off, sniffs at the stone floor in puzzlement. He bays once with the center head.  
  
PAN UP  
  
to reveal Virginia clinging to a tangle of bones clotted into the ceiling almost directly above the beast, holding her breath and sweating.  
  
CERBERUS coughs a puff of white smoke like hot breath on a cold day, and continues down the main corridor. After he has gone, Virginia drops lightly to the ground and heads off down the side corridor.  
  
We FOLLOW VIRGINIA as she creeps slowly down this new hallway of irregular stone and ghastly decor. Skeletons are imbedded in the stone in graceful poses like a grotesque frieze. She tries to watch all sides of her at once, making sure none of the 'dancers' elects to grab her.  
  
She passes a skull with its jaw gaping open in what looks like silent laughter.  
  
After she passes, the jaw shuts with an audible CLACK of teeth.  
  
She reacts fearfully to the unknown noise. As she turns, another skeleton now behind her changes poses from a balletic leap to a frozen pirouette. Its disused joints CRACKLE and POP. It is still again by the time she turns back, but she registers the change.  
  
VIRGINIA [tense whisper]  
  
Please God let me get out of here... sane, if possible.  
  
She continues through the hall of bones, still watching the skeletons.  
  
She hears a voice:  
  
SKELETON #1  
  
Hey hon, gotta light?  
  
She reacts, but the speaker is still by the time she turns. Another voice pipes up:  
  
SKELETON #2  
  
Come on, lighten up...  
  
She turns to see that a skeleton with a gold front tooth is addressing her.  
  
SKELETON #2 [cont'd]  
  
...nobody gets out of Life alive anyway.  
  
She backs away, shaking her head slowly in futile denial.  
  
A third voice speaks, from directly behind her, and she reacts:  
  
SKELETON #3  
  
Might wanna listen to him - he doesn't have a dishonest bone in his body.  
  
A whole section of wall erupts into laughter. Virginia is very close to losing it.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Stop it! Stop it! Please!  
  
The laughter dies off.  
  
SKELETON #1 [sotto]  
  
She must be new here.  
  
SKELETON #4  
  
Well let me be the first to introduce you to the family!  
  
A nearby skeleton dislodges its arms from the stone and tries to grab her. She jumps back and screams. She bumps into another skeleton, which likewise reaches for her. She pulls away from the grasping fingers, screaming again, and takes off running down the hall, pushing through a veritable forest of grasping skeletal arms and hands as the skeletons chatter inanely [ad lib] about existence in the hereafter.  
  
She crashes into someone, and the skeletons abruptly go back to silently posing figures. She starts to relax, until:  
  
HADES [tenderly]  
  
I thought I'd lost you, my love...  
  
This is worse. She screams even louder as the God of Death picks her up and carries her off like a groom carrying his new bride across the threshold - though this unwilling bride is kicking and screaming the whole way.  
  
CUPID  
  
is making his way down one hallway after another, following Virginia's screams. Hermes trails behind, jogging to keep up.  
  
HERMES  
  
What if we're too late?  
  
Cupid pauses.  
  
CUPID  
  
Too late for what?  
  
HERMES  
  
I mean... what if he's... you know...  
  
Cupid scowls.  
  
CUPID  
  
Then Persephone won't be the only one he'll have to worry about.  
  
Distantly, Virginia SCREAMS:  
  
VIRGINIA [o.s., distant]  
  
Get away from me!  
  
Cupid begins running. Hermes is caught off-guard for a beat before he follows.  
  
HADES is leaning close to a horrified Virginia, stroking her face tenderly. He looks like a vampire about to bare his fangs and feed. Tears of terror are streaming from her eyes.  
  
HADES [half-whisper]  
  
Dry your eyes, my love... I promise this won't hurt a bit.  
  
We see now that he has her pinned against a wall with his own body, holding her wrists above her head with one hand.  
  
CUPID [o.s.]  
  
Get away from her!  
  
Hades twists to look over his shoulder. Virginia attempts to squirm away, but he pulls on her wrists and she cries out.  
  
CUPID is standing in a rough-hewn archway, his bow nocked with one of the black-shafted arrows, drawn back and trained on Hades. He looks mad enough to eat bullets and spit nails.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
Or I promise, this WILL hurt.  
  
Hades continues to hold Virginia captive.  
  
HADES [sardonic]  
  
Now, really, Cupid... you're a lover, not a fighter.  
  
While Hades is distracted, Virginia takes this opportunity to bend down and bite his hand. He roars with pain as her bite draws ichor. He lets go, and she squirms away, running through another archway. Hades starts to follow, but Cupid shoots an arrow at his feet. The shaft HISSES through the air, and...  
  
THE ARROW  
  
embeds itself, quivering, into the stone an inch from Hades' leading toe.  
  
HADES stops short. He looks up at...  
  
CUPID, as the love god draws another arrow, one apparently made of crystal. He nocks it, and draws it back.  
  
CUPID'S POV as he sights along the arrow at Hades.  
  
HADES dissolves into smoke as Cupid releases the arrow, and the shaft passes harmlessly through the smoke, embedding itself quivering in the stone wall. The smoke slithers along the wall, away from the crystal arrow and into some of the many shadows that veil the chamber in a Poe-like atmosphere.  
  
CUPID scans the shadows for some hint of Hades, another arrow nocked and ready to fire.  
  
Hades' voice seems to come from everywhere, the echoes ricocheting surreally.  
  
HADES [v.o.]  
  
As I told the woman, you cannot stay the hand of death. Even Aphrodite knows that.  
  
The shadows behind Cupid rapidly congeal into Hades, and the latter throws his arms around Cupid's throat in a maneuver that would have broken a mortal's neck. Hades' face bears a ferocious snarl that would rival Cerberus'.  
  
Cupid grabs Hades' arms and bends forward violently, throwing the death god over his shoulder. Hades lands hard with a grunt and rolls to his feet.  
  
HADES  
  
Very cunning. Let's see if you're as skilled a fighter as you are a lover.  
  
He swings at Cupid, attempting to punch him in the face.  
  
Cupid is barely able to block, and retaliates with a punch of his own, towards Hades' ribs. Hades dodges but cannot fully escape the blow.  
  
He grunts as the blow lands, but snakelike he strikes again, slamming the heel of his hand into Cupid's nose and mouth.  
  
Cupid falls back under the impact, ichor trickling from his nose and the corner of his mouth. He wipes it away with the back of his hand and charges at Hades.  
  
He rams Hades in the stomach, propelling him backwards several feet into a wall. The Death God gets the wind knocked out of him and coughs in an attempt to regain it. He tries to escape but Cupid seizes his shoulders and holds him in place.  
  
HADES [breathless]  
  
I see your family got more from Ares than your mother a lover. You fight well for a youngster.  
  
CUPID  
  
Looks like it.  
  
HADES  
  
But you know you can't kill me. My brother Zeus would certainly be upset if you did, not to mention the fact that people won't die anymore.  
  
CUPID  
  
You're right. That's why I won't kill you.  
  
He belts Hades hard in the stomach to make sure he doesn't move anytime soon [Hades doubles over, coughing] and, spreading his wings, gains some altitude and distance from Hades.  
  
He draws another crystalline arrow from his quiver, nocks it, and sights along it at Hades.  
  
HADES' POV, looking at the business end of the arrow, as...  
  
CUPID  
  
Sweet dreams.  
  
...Cupid fires. The arrow flies at CAMERA, and we are plunged into blackness.  
  
VIRGINIA runs down the hallway and crashes violently into Hermes.  
  
She SCREAMS.  
  
He SCREAMS.  
  
She punches him.  
  
He grunts and staggers back against the wall, holding his jaw.  
  
HERMES [whining]  
  
Oww... we come to rescue you and this is the thanks we get?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Who are you?  
  
Hermes extends his free hand to her.  
  
HERMES  
  
Name's Hermes. Enchanted to meet you.  
  
He winces and rubs his jaw.  
  
She shakes his hand, apparently deciding he's more harmless than Hades was.  
  
HERMES  
  
Where's Cupid?  
  
She looks behind her.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Dealing with Hades, I guess... Looked like he was going to kill him.  
  
Hermes manages to chuckle.  
  
HERMES  
  
Hades is Zeus' brother. Slime or not, Cupid can't exactly kill him - seeing that he also controls the Underworld. Displaced dead people is not a pretty sight. My guess is, he'll use one of his amnesia arrows on the Bone Daddy so he'll forget he was ever in love with you.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Oh.  
  
  
  
HERMES  
  
Otherwise, the second he gets you outta here and back in your body, Hades'll just come along and nab you again.  
  
VIRGINIA [shocked]  
  
'Back in my body'??  
  
Hermes looks like he let the cat out of the bag.  
  
HERMES  
  
Oh. Nobody told you.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Told me what?  
  
CUPID [o.s.]  
  
Everybody ready to go?  
  
CUPID approaches them from behind Virginia. She reacts to his slightly battered appearance.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
I know I am - this place is just plain creepy.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Me too.  
  
HERMES  
  
Me three... Hey Cupid, did you know your client has one hell of a left hook?  
  
Cupid looks at Virginia, surprised that she punched out Hermes.  
  
VIRGINIA [apologetic]  
  
He startled me.  
  
[pause]  
  
Can we go now?  
  
Just then, they hear a familiar TRIPLE BARK from behind Hermes. He turns, bringing out the box of Milk Bones [for three-headed dogs] just as Cerberus approaches from just around a bend in the corridor, snarling dangerously. The hound looks like it wants something a little meatier than dog biscuits. Surreally, Hermes starts talking baby talk to it as it snarls at him.  
  
HERMES [baby talk voice]  
  
[ad lib] That's a good doggy... isn't Cerby a nice doggy, etc.  
  
Cupid and Virginia exchange a glance.  
  
Hermes continues grinning and baby-talking the hound, but...  
  
HERMES [urgently, through his forced grin]  
  
Now would be a dandy time for you two to go.  
  
Cupid gets the hint and takes Virginia by the hand.  
  
CUPID  
  
Let's go.  
  
Cupid and Virginia hurry down the corridor, away from Hermes and Cerberus. They pause only briefly at the sound of FEROCIOUS BARKING echoing down the hallway, then continue out of the Underworld.  
  
HERMES [o.s.]  
  
Nice dog, nice dog, NICE DOG! Here take the Milk Bones! I'm leaving!  
  
The mangled box of Milk Bones hits the wall, spilling dog biscuits all over. Cerberus pounces on the treats and munches loudly.  
  
INT. ORPHEUS' UNDERWORLD - MORNING  
  
Most of the Olympic patrons have left the club to pursue their other duties, save for the dozen Olympians still tending Virginia's body, and Scott, who has found a booth bench for a rather uncomfortable bed. He is asleep, his glasses neatly folded atop the table and someone's robe rolled up under his head.  
  
The Olympians turn as one, to regard Cupid's return with Virginia's spirit. She looks at her own body, still lying on the bar, and pales, putting a hand over her mouth.  
  
VIRGINIA [whispering]  
  
Oh my god...  
  
CUPID  
  
It's okay. You'll feel better in a moment.  
  
He scoops her up in his arms and lays her into her own body. Her spirit fuses once again with her body, and she stirs.  
  
The Olympians watch intently as the color returns to her cheeks, and after a long pause, she opens her eyes. A collective sigh of relief whispers through the observers.  
  
VIRGINIA [weakly]  
  
I feel like hell warmed over.  
  
[to Cupid]  
  
This is feeling better?  
  
Cupid shrugs.  
  
CUPID  
  
Better than being dead.  
  
VIRGINIA [flatly]  
  
If you say so.  
  
He helps her up off the bar, and she leans heavily against him as he helps her out of the club. As they pass Scott, Cupid tucks a folded scrap of paper underneath Scott's folded arms.  
  
CUPID [to Virginia]  
  
Believe me, you'll feel more like yourself by noon.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
What I need is a hot bath and a good solid nap.  
  
They EXIT FRAME.  
  
Several seconds later, Scott wakes, yawns, and upon stretching discovers the folded scrap of paper. He snags his glasses on the third try, unfolds them, and puts them on. He unfolds the note.  
  
HIS POV  
  
The note reads:  
  
Found your book  
  
Hound of the Baskervilles  
  
Call me this afternoon  
  
Ask for Virginia  
  
555-2321  
  
SCOTT [thoughtfully]  
  
Virginia...?  
  
INT. VIRGINIA'S APARTMENT - DAY  
  
CU of the phone as it RINGS. After the fifth ring, the answering machine picks up.  
  
VIRGINIA [v.o. filtered, on tape]  
  
Hi. This is Virginia's refrigerator. Her answering machine is broken, but if you speak very slowly I will write down your message and stick it to myself with a magnet. Thanks.  
  
The machine BEEPS.  
  
SCOTT [v.o. filtered, on phone]  
  
Hi, Virginia, um, this is Scott. I got your note about finding my book—  
  
Just then Virginia picks up the phone and puts it to her ear. She still looks a bit worn out, but considering the circumstances, it's to be expected.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Scott?  
  
SCOTT  
  
Yeah. Like I said, I got your note, and I was wondering if we could meet somewhere or something so you could get it back to me. [sounds like he's smiling] Sherlock Holmes is almost about to find out if the legend is true.  
  
Virginia smiles.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
No problem. I wouldn't want to be the one keeping you from a good read.  
  
SCOTT  
  
You like mysteries?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Every now and then - but it has to be a really good story.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Believe me - this one is definitely a good story.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
So where do you want to meet?  
  
SCOTT  
  
Do you live near the library?  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Pretty close. Wanna meet there?  
  
SCOTT  
  
Sure - is two-thirty good for you?  
  
She glances at the clock radio - 1:45.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Yeah. Two-thirty's good for me.  
  
SCOTT  
  
I'll be by the adult fiction stacks, holding a copy of Sleeping Murder.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Okay. I'll see you there.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Bye.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Bye.  
  
She hangs up.  
  
CUPID [o.s.]  
  
Has the eagle landed?  
  
Virginia smiles.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
I'm gonna be going to the library in a bit, to return Scott's book. Wish me luck.  
  
CUPID holds up his hands, each with the first two fingers crossed. He smiles. She smiles back.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT LIBRARY - DAY  
  
Scott stands in the main reading area near the adult fiction stacks, holding the copy of Sleeping Murder he checked out just yesterday. He is nervous, fidgeting as he waits.  
  
ON THE MAIN DOORS  
  
as Virginia enters the library, Baskervilles tucked under her arm. CAMERA follows as she comes through the security gates and into the main reading area.  
  
She looks around, and spies Scott holding Sleeping Murder. She approaches him.  
  
SCOTT  
  
notices Virginia approaching with his book, and he goes to meet her halfway.  
  
When they are at a conversational distance:  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Scott Clayton?  
  
SCOTT  
  
Yeah. Virginia?  
  
She smiles.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Yup. And I have this.  
  
She holds up his book. He takes it.  
  
SCOTT  
  
Thanks.  
  
CUPID  
  
is standing, invisible and kilted, atop on of the shelves. He drops to one knee, nocking two-count-em-two golden love arrows in his bow and drawing them back. He takes aim at Scott and Virginia as the transaction is made. He fires, and the arrows streak towards their respective targets, trailing comet's-tails of GOLD SPARKLES.  
  
Both arrows fly true this time.  
  
Scott and Virginia react as each is hit, flinching with surprise.  
  
SCOTT  
  
I know this must sound like the oldest line in the book—but you look so familiar. Haven't we met somewhere before?  
  
VIRGINIA [chuckling]  
  
I don't think so. I would've remembered you.  
  
SCOTT  
  
In that case... You wanna go for coffee? Get to know each other?  
  
Virginia smiles.  
  
VIRGINIA  
  
Sure. Java Man?  
  
SCOTT and VIRGINIA  
  
'Best coffee this side of civilization!'  
  
They laugh and leave, side-by-side.  
  
Cupid sits back atop the shelf.  
  
CUPID [ironically]  
  
Well, that was easy enough.  
  
He chuckles to himself.  
  
CUPID [cont'd]  
  
So, any idea where they'll go from here?  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
You'd have to talk to the Fates about that.  
  
[beat]  
  
But my guess is that they'll grow closer, even beyond friendship. They might even get married.  
  
  
  
CUPID  
  
They better. I'm NOT going through all that again!  
  
Aphrodite laughs.  
  
CUPID  
  
Still, it's good to know I've helped her find true love.  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
That's what you're here for, after all.  
  
CUPID  
  
Now... if only I could help Zeus...  
  
She laughs again.  
  
APHRODITE [v.o.]  
  
Trust me - he doesn't need a love arrow.  
  
They laugh, as we:  
  
FADE TO BLACK.  
  
CUPID [v.o.]  
  
Ooh. The Kama Sutra.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
